Cheese And The Catholic Church Just Do Not Go Together…
I found myself eating some rather poorly prepared sushi in an upscale restaurant last night. This, of course, forced me to demand that I stop getting lost (because it takes me forever to find myself when I am), at which point my mind ceased to wander and plopped itself rather glumly back into my skull with a lovely “thplat.”
Before I had the chance to wonder why the sound effects that evening had a lithp, I saw via my peripheral vision that someone had just left the restroom across the way. I shouted across the restaurant at him, “Hey! You didn’t wash your hands!”
He stared at me blankly for a moment and a half, then turned to make a hasty getaway. It was this that convinced me that he was, in fact, the Handswashless Bandit. I was also clued in by the name tag he was wearing.
“HELLO, MY NAME IS: The H. Bandit”
Unfortunately, I had to ponder (briefly) the significance of one naming one’s child “The” with a middle name like “Handswashless,” so he made his escape. Luckily for me, he had made it rather hastily, with shoddy craftsmanship, so I had no trouble in disassembling it and removing him from the ensuing pile of rubble.
I pulled my lucky gum from my left ear, my lucky horseshoe from my hat, my lucky lint from my trousers, my lucky teddy bear from a rift in the time-space continuum, and a rather unlucky bald cat from a stranger’s handbag. I then threw the cat at The Handswashless Bandit (who from this point forward will be referred to as “Jim,” while everyone else in the story excepting myself will be referred to as “Jimmy”) and produced a fire hose attached to a tank of sudsy detergent water, with which I then blasted Jim until he was nothing more than a mere penny. Of course, as would be typical of my fortune (or lack thereof), the penny was heads-down, despite my horde of lucky things, so I couldn’t pick it up.
And that is why I’m poor.
In other news, I have a bit of glorious gossip on Jimmy. Turns out he’s dating Jimmy, who kicked Jimmy out of Jimmy’s house because Jimmy was the first person who wanted to date Jimmy after Jimmy left Jimmy because Jimmy found out about Jimmy while Jim was in the bathroom not washing his hands.
A mighty cauliflower thus ended its reign over small unexplored parts of Zimbabwe, while people lacking extremities raced fruitlessly to the store nearest you.
Merfle.
